Diary #3: The one where she gets more and more excited

Have you ever been depressed? If you have, you know how that feels like. I do too, unfortunately. After my depression and all that, I found it very hard to feel excited about anything, literally anything. I think if someone would hand me a million euros, I would still feel numb. But the last couple of weeks, I am getting more and more excited. If my favourite football team (Arsenal women’s team) scores, I celebrate it. I am making any plans, how small they are, I get more and more excited
You know what, it is an amazing feeling. I am so grateful that amazing feeling is back again. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize how blessed you were/are. And now that feeling is back. I am not going to overanalyse it. A few years ago, whenever I had a good day I would always overanalyze it and wonder why I was feeling good. And before I knew it, that happy feeling was gone. So now, I just enjoy this time.

Last night, when I was on my way home from work (on my bike) it was raining. But I was still feeling amazing and I was really enjoying that moment. While everyone else was looking grumpy and annoyed, I was smiling. I am feeling so excited that I can’t wait to do things again. Normally a day of shopping would scare me because I was afraid to get a panic attack. Now I am just ready to try it anyways. Okay, there is still a part of me that is a little bit scared and wonders ‘what if’? But what if I would have an amazing day? What if I would meet someone else? I just realize that life is really too short to stay in your comfort zone and just surviving the day. Life should be celebrated.

Step by step I am becoming the new me or maybe the old me but better. Even though that dark period in my life wasn’t great, it still taught me to be grateful for everything I have. I see so many healthy people who are never really grateful for anything, they are just too impatient and get into fights with other people. So yes, I am still grateful for everything that happened to me, because of that I am becoming an amazing human being.



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