I don’t talk about it a lot, but I have anxiety. But today I want to share my anxiety story. How did I get an anxiety disorder?
First Year of Uni
We have to go back to my first year at the university. My life was good: I had two part-time jobs, I was studying economics, my grades were really good and I had a lot of friends. In my second year I went to a John Mayer concert, but I was feeling tired and restless. I couldn’t enjoy the show and I love John Mayers music. I went to the doctor two days later and took a bloodtest. But everything was fine and I was healthy. So why didn’t I feel healthy and good? Later I found out that I got a burn-out. I quit my two jobs and wanted to focus on my study.
First panic attack
But I didn’t take enough time for myself. I was spending hours at school and even in the evening I was working for school. My grades were dropping. My panic attack started later. When I got my first panic attack, I though I was going to die. After my first attack, I got them every single day: in the bus, supermarket and even at home.
It got worse and I was too scared to go to school and supermarket. After three months of avoiding the supermarket, I knew something had to change.
I decided that I had to go back to the supermarket. First couple times were very hard and I got panic attacks. But later I got them under control. Meaning: when I went to the supermarket super early, I didn’t get panic attacks. I still go the supermarket super early or before closing time. Taking bus however, is still a huge step for me. Fun fact is that I can take any bus without getting a panic attack except for one or two busses.
I don’t know what exactly triggers my anxiety, because I have really good days. Is it the lack of positive thought or exercise. Or should I drink more water? I think it is a combination of a couple things? I know for sure that my impatience has something to do with too. Everytime I have to wait, I get anxious. So probably I have to practise to be more patience. I am used to a busy life, never taking a break untill I go to bed.
But like I said I have good days. Especially when the weather is beautiful. I feel energetic on these days, I have positive thoughts and I am feeling happy. Ofcourse I want more of these days and I am working on it. I am taking care of myself, meditation helps and I use the law of attraction. Once I get a negative thought, I can think about it forever, but I know I also can change my thoughts into a positve one.
I did let my anxiety control my life. I stopped doing fun things. But I am also grateful for this, because I’ve learned so much about myself the last couple of years. I was always listening to other people and what they thought about me and what I should do. Now I am living my own life.